A Modest Proposal

mimeograph machine 1951
Ellis Wyatt sends:

In light of the NY “assault weapon” ban, and whereas it is universally acknowledged that the pen is mightier than the sword, I have some reasonable, common-sense restrictions to place on the First Amendment. These measures will keep Americans and their children safe from disinformation, misinformation, and hate speech:

1. All photocopiers and printers shall be registered with the Federal government. Any sale or transfer of a photocopier or printer will require fingerprinting, photographing, permission from the chief law enforcement officer of the city/county, a $200 fee, and a permission slip from the Federal government. Possessing an unregistered photocopier or printer shall result in up to 10 years in Federal PMITA Prison.

2. Photocopier and printer paper trays shall only hold 7 sheets of paper. Possessing a paper tray of over 7 sheets of paper shall result in up to 10 years in Federal PMITA Prison.

3. All pens and pencils shall be registered with the Federal government. Possession of an unregistered pen or pencil shall result in up to 10 years in Federal PMITA Prison

4. ALL purchasers of pens and pencils shall be subject to a background check (this will close the infamous “OfficeMax Loophole”). Willful evasion of this shall result in up to 5 years in Federal PMITA Prison.

5. All sales of printer/copier/looseleaf/construction paper over 1000 sheets will be reported to the Federal government.

6. Anyone who wants to post on facebook or any other Internet discussion forum must apply for a license that puts their real name and address, username, and password into a registry with the Federal Government, and re-apply for that license every 5 years. Failure to do so or providing false information shall result in up to 10 years in Federal PMITA prison.

Now, you may say this sounds extreme. But when you look at the costs to society of libel and slander, and the children whose lives have been lost to cyberbullying, those who oppose these common-sense reasonable restrictions must examine their consciences. Besides, these rules still preserve Americans’ rights to “free speech” meaning verbal speech, as the Founding Fathers did not intend for civilians to own such Weapons of Mass Deception that copiers and printers can become in the wrong hands. And of course, in the interests of preserving the “freedom of the press,” (which does not include bloggers, as the Founding Fathers had no concept of the Internet), accredited journalists and members of the national media shall be exempted from these laws.

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