I initially wrote this agitprop in 1999 when I was in a particularly cynical
mood. It has sat on my computer’s hard drive until recently, when I made some
very minor tweaks. It has never been published. This is a fictional work and any
resemblance to any persons living or dead, events, or locations is unintended
and purely coincidental.
The story is in three parts: Billy, Jane, and Betty. Each part provides a
different perspective on a “compliance inspection” following a national gun
If you publish my agitprop, please attribute the story to “Anonymous Reader” or something similar.
BILLY’S NEW BIKE
Billy was a boy like most boys. Billy liked to climb trees, watch the birds and squirrels, and play baseball with his friends.
But, most of all, Billy wanted a bicycle. A red bicycle.
Billy was so glad the United Nations Peace Force had come to town. Before the Peace Force came, Billy’s mother wouldn’t let Billy play outside. “Too dangerous, too many guns” she would say. Now, Billy could climb trees, watch the birds and squirrels, and play baseball with his friends.
Billy became friends with Zafir. Billy and Zafir were best friends. Zafir was a soldier with the Peace Force. Zafir would give Billy candy and let Billy ride in his big white Peace Force truck. Billy hoped that when he grew up, he could drive a big white truck for the Peace Force, just like Zafir.
One day, Zafir asked Billy if he would like to do something special. Zafir said the Peace Force had to go visit a bad man who had kept some guns. Zafir let Billy ride up front in the cab of the truck as the Peace Force drove to the house of the bad man.
At the bad man’s house, Zafir asked Billy to sit in the cab of the truck and watch the truck. What fun! Billy was going to help the Peace Force! Zafir told Billy to lay down on the seat of the truck if the bad man started shooting his guns. Zafir told Billy to be brave.
Zafir and the Peace Force went into the bad man’s house. Billy heard shooting. The shooting must be the bad man shooting at Zafir and the men in the Peace Force, Billy thought. So, Billy laid down on the seat of the truck, just like Zafir had told him to do.
Billy started hearing a woman scream. At first, Billy was scared. But, then he remembered that his friend had told him to be brave.
The woman stopped screaming. Billy could hear his friend Zafir giving orders to the Peace Force soldiers, and the Peace Force soldiers laughing. Billy figured everything was O.K., so Billy stopped being scared.
After a while Zafir called out “Billy, come out! You were such a good helper! I have a special gift for you!”
Billy climbed out of the truck. Outside the truck, Billy could hear the woman crying and the Peace Force men laughing. Zafir was holding a red bicycle. Zafir said, “Billy, don’t worry.”
Zafir then asked, “Billy, would you like to have a red bicycle?”
Billy was so excited! “Oh, yes! Thank you, Zafir,” Billy exclaimed. Zafir had given him a red bicycle!
As Billy climbed on his new red bicycle and rode away, the sounds of the crying woman were quickly forgotten.
Channel 6 newsroom, 9:42 a.m.:
Telephone call to Sergeant Zafir Ghazwan, Firearms Compliance Specialist, United Nations Peace Force:
“Hello, Sergeant Ghazwan? This is Jane Franklin, Channel 6 News.
“Hi, Ms. Franklin, how are things? Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes, Sergeant Ghazwan. It’s been one month since the firearms amnesty expired. I want to do a story on gun owners who didn’t turn in their guns before the amnesty expired. I need something dramatic, something which can be the lead story on tonight’s six o’clock news.”
“Ms. Franklin, what did you have in mind? Compliance with the firearms surrender order was surprisingly high. Since the amnesty expired, we have found less than ten firearms in compliance inspections. In fact, we are still processing the amnesty forms.”
“Well, Sergeant Ghazwan… how about doing one of those compliance inspections. Certainly there is some gun nut who still has an arsenal of weapons he hasn’t turned in. Certainly your computers can find someone like that.”
“Ms. Franklin, let me see what I can find. I’ll get back with you.”
“Thank you, Sergeant Ghazwan. Good-bye.”
“Good-bye, Ms. Franklin.”
Channel 6 newsroom, 12:46 p.m.:
“Hello, Channel 6 News, Franklin speaking.”
“Ms. Franklin, this is Sergeant Ghazwan, United Nations Peace Force. We’ve found someone for your story. We found a Mr. David Wallace, at 824 Sandy Lane. He’s a life NRA member. Our records show that he has four firearms. An AK-47 assault rifle, a bolt action sniper rifle with a telescopic sight, a handgun, and a semi-automatic shotgun. We have no indication that any of these firearms were surrendered.”
“Sounds good, Sergeant Ghazwan. Maybe he’ll resist… if you know what I mean? Sure would make a good story.”
“O… K… Ms. Franklin… I will see what we can make happen. Meet us at headquarters at 1400 hours. You can follow us to the Wallace residence from there.”
“Thanks, Sergeant Ghazwan. See you at two.”
“Good-bye, Ms. Franklin.”
United Nations Peace Force compound, 2:00 p.m.:
“Hello, Ms. Franklin. Before we leave, would you like to see the firearms we have seized since the amnesty expired?”
“Yes, Sergeant Ghazwan, I’d like to see them. May I get some footage for the story?”
“Of course, bring your cameraman…. I wish we had more guns to show you.”
“Bob, let’s get some pictures!”
United Nations Peace Force compound., 2:09 p.m.:
“Ms. Franklin. We will be leaving in a few minutes. Follow us in your van.”
“Sergeant Ghazwan, why are these men so heavily armed? Why the flak jackets? Why the helmets? Why the machine guns?”
“Compliance inspections are dangerous, Ms. Franklin. Gun owners are dangerous. I do not want my men injured.”
“Oh, yea… Well, thanks…”
824 Sandy Lane, 2:41 p.m.:
“Bob, get it on tape. Get them going through the guy’s door, then let’s hold on the front of the house for a few of minutes. I have a feeling that something’s going to happen.”
824 Sandy Lane, 2:43 p.m.:
“Bob, was the camera still on when the shooting started?”
“Yup, got it all on tape.”
824 Sandy Lane, 3:07 p.m.:
“Hey, Bob, let’s get a few shots of this guy’s car. Here, get a close up on these bumper stickers. ‘Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants.’ What a jerk. ‘They’ll get my gun when they pry it from my cold dead hands.’ Well, sounds like he got that one right.”
824 Sandy Lane, 3:28 p.m.:
“Hey, Bob, Sergeant Ghazwan is coming out. Let’s get this on tape.”
“Sergeant Ghazwan, can you tell us what happened in there?”
“Ms. Franklin, please turn off the camera.”
“Bob, turn the camera off.”
“So Sergeant Ghazwan, what happened?”
“We went in. And when when Mr. Wallace saw us, he started to run. One of my men shot him. We…”
“You shot him!”
“Yes, one of my men shot him when he tried to run. You wanted a good story, Ms. Franklin, did you not?”
“But… that’s not what I meant.”
“Well, Ms. Franklin. We did not find any guns.”
“Did you find anything?”
“We did find a receipt for four guns he had surrendered three months ago, a Norinco semi-automatic rifle, a Savage bolt action rifle, a Ruger handgun, and a Remington semi-automatic shotgun. I am sorry, Ms. Franklin, we did not find any guns.”
“You mean you didn’t find anything? No guns? No drugs? Nothing?”
“Nothing, Ms. Franklin. I hope you have can still do your news story.”
“Well…. No problem, Sergeant Ghazwan. I’ve got plenty of material for a story. You’ve been very helpful.”
Channel 6 News broadcast, 6:00 p.m.:
“Good evening everyone, I’m Steve Jett.”
“And I’m Suzanne Mathews. Tonight on Six at six, the U.N. Education Office announces new curriculum guidelines for private schools, local charities need your help, and rival newspapers merge in surprise announcement.”
Steve introduces the lead story. “But first, U.N. Peace Force personnel raid the home of a gun criminal. Live at the scene of this afternoon’s raid is Jane Franklin. Jane.”
“Hello, Steve. Today marks one month since the amnesty period to turn in guns expired. Today United Nations Peace Force soldiers executed a raid against a suspect who had not surrendered his guns during the amnesty period. [Viewers see tape of the Peace Force soldiers starting to enter the Wallace residence.] Peace
Force officials had reason to believe that the suspect, David Wallace, had illegal guns in his home.”
“Wallace was killed when he tried to attack the Peace Force soldiers searching for guns.” [Viewers see more Peace Force soldiers enter the Wallace residence, and hear the sound of gunfire from the tape.]
“In their search, Peace Force personnel found nine guns, including assault rifles and handguns.” [Viewers see the nine guns seized in previous raids which were on display at the Peace Force compound.]
“Wallace was a life NRA member with ties to anti-government militia organizations.” [Viewers see the bumper stickers on David Wallace’s car.]
“Peace Force soldiers have had, and will continue to have compliance inspections such as this one today to insure that all guns are purged from society. We need to thank the Peace Force soldiers for helping us take back our streets from these gun criminals.”
“Back to you, Steve.”
“Thanks for that report Jane. In other news….”
“Hey, David. Why is that U.N. truck stopping in front of our house? And there’s a Channel 6 news van pulling up right behind. DAVID, I TOLD YOU TO TURN IN ALL THE GUNS!”
“Betty, I did turn them in. Even my Father’s deer rifle. I’ve got the receipt to prove it!”
“Well, you’d better get that receipt…. OH MY GOD!!! SOLDIERS ARE POURING OUT OF THE THE TRUCK! AND THEY’RE COMING THIS WAY! DAVID…! WHAT’S GOING ON! OH MY GOD!!!”
As David Wallace heads to the back of his home to retrieve the surrender receipt, the front door crashes open, and a staccato of machine gun fire erupts, deafening inside the enclosed space of the house. Blood sprays from the David’s back and he slumps to the floor, dead.
Betty Wallace screams. Two United Nations Peace Force soldiers immediately grab her and knock her to the floor. Betty continues to scream. One of the Peace Force soldiers savagely kicks her in the side of the head. Betty lays suddenly quiet as blood oozes from the side of her head and begins to pool on the floor.
The remainder of the squad enters the Wallace home. Sergeant Ghazwan begins barking orders. Sergeant Ghazwan steps over to Betty. He nudges her with the toe of his boot, and sees her stir. “Men, listen up. You can have the American whore AFTER you finish searching for guns.”
A chorus of chuckles, laughs, and hoots erupt from the Peace Force soldiers.
The Peace Force soldiers begin systematically searching and ransacking the home, ostensibly searching for hidden firearms. Doors are torn off their hinges. Walls are kicked in. Mattresses and seat cushions are slashed open. The contents of drawers are emptied onto floors. Table lamps are smashed open to be sure that
nothing is hidden inside. Currency, jewelry, and other small items of value vanish quietly into pockets as the soldiers search.
One of the soldiers produces a small metal detector and begins checking door casings, stairs, and ceilings for indications of hidden metal. An ax is used to investigate any indications of metal. Door casings are broken open, stair treads are pulled up, and holes are punched in the ceiling and walls as this search progresses.
Betty Wallace begins to sit up, moaning quietly, holding the side of her head were she was kicked. Sergeant Ghazwan points his gun at her. “Whore, if you move or cry out, I’ll shoot you.” Betty leans against a wall and begins to quietly cry.
One of the soldiers searches the kitchen, finding several cans of beer in the refrigerator and a bottle of whiskey in a cabinet. The alcohol interrupts the search as members of the Peace Force converge to share the spoils. Later, a refrigerator in the garage produces more beer, much to the approval of the soldiers.
The search begins to wind down; there’s not much left to be destroyed. The Peace Force soldiers begin filing back into the Wallace’s living room. One of the soldiers, with a malicious grin, clutches a slinky night gown he found in Betty’s bedroom closet. The other soldiers let out approving grunts when shown the night gown.
With all soldiers present, Sergeant Ghazwan asks if any firearms or other contraband were found. All respond in the negative. One of the solders produces the distinctive receipt David Wallace had received when he surrendered his firearms three months ago. Sergeant Ghazwan approvingly takes the receipt and examines it. He then folds it, and carefully puts it in his breast pocket.
“Men, we’ve got the Channel 6 news crew outside. I’m going to go outside and talk to them. I’m going to leave this American whore with you. Don’t hurt her too bad. I already have to fill out one report because of you trigger-happy clowns. I do not want to have to do a second report. Be careful.”
“One more thing – keep quiet and KEEP HER QUIET….”